You Think Being Harder Helps—But It Only Hurts More 對自己更狠就會更好？
Being tough on yourself might feel like discipline—but it’s often self-sabotage. Here’s what self-compassion really means, and how it can help you grow without the pain.
If you’re someone who tends to blame yourself, this scenario might sound familiar: when others are upset, you comfort them, listen to them, even help them see things from a different perspective. But when it’s you who’s down or has made a mistake, the voice in your head turns harsh and bitter:
“Why are you like this again?”
“Are you just too weak?”
“Everyone else gets through it—why can’t you?”
We’re so quick to be strict with ourselves, convinced that to succeed, we have to be tough—ruthless, even.
This kind of self-motivation might work for some, but have you ever considered that this internal dialogue could actually be doing more harm than good?
This week, I dove deep into research on self-compassion, and realized I’ve completely misunderstood what it really means.
I used to think self-compassion was just letting yourself off the hook—a kind of soft, passive, feel-good excuse to slack off. But I was wrong.
The more I explored, the more I found that self-compassion isn’t about avoiding reality—it’s about facing it with honesty and resilience. It doesn’t deny pain—it gives us a kinder, more sustainable way to live with it.
▍What Is Self-Compassion?
Psychologist Kristin Neff breaks self-compassion down into three components:
Self-Kindness – Speaking to yourself with the same warmth you’d offer a dear friend during pain, failure, or emotional breakdowns:
“I know this hurts right now, but I’m here for you.”Common Humanity – This one hit home for me. When we’re in pain, we often think we’re the only ones who are weak, anxious, or losing it.
But in reality, every human is struggling in their own way. You’re not alone.Mindfulness – Not to suppress emotions, but to observe them. When you can “step back” and objectively notice that you’re hurting, rather than being swallowed by the pain, you’re more able to respond with clarity.
▍Why Is It So Hard to Be Kind to Ourselves?
I began exploring self-compassion because of recurring emotional lows.
Anxiety and sadness often came fast and unannounced. Before I could even understand what was happening, I was already angry—angry at myself for feeling this way again.
“I can’t believe I’m like this again.”
“Why can’t I just be normal like everyone else?”
It turns out, not everyone finds it easy to be kind to themselves. Research shows that traits like perfectionism, self-criticism, shame, and self-neglect are linked to low self-compassion.
Some of these traits are innate, but many are survival strategies we learned growing up.
Maybe being hard on ourselves was how we felt safe, or how we achieved recognition. Maybe we were taught we only deserve love when we’re good enough—strong enough.
These mechanisms once protected us. But when we try to heal or change, they become our biggest roadblocks.
The harsh inner voice? That’s self-criticism—and studies show it traps us in a destructive loop:
Failure → Self-blame → More failure
Harsh self-criticism is often mistaken for motivation, but it actually does the opposite.
In contrast, self-compassion reminds us:
→ Your pain deserves understanding, not dismissal.
→ Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re not enough.
→ You can be honest with yourself—without being cruel.
▍Being Kind to Yourself ≠ Being Lazy
A common misunderstanding is that if we’re too soft on ourselves, we’ll slack off—lose motivation and just give up.
In fact, it’s the opposite.
People who practice self-compassion don’t lose sight of their goals. They’re better at learning from failure.
Because they’re not terrified of making mistakes, failure doesn’t mean their entire worth collapses. Self-compassion creates the safety to grow. Their inner dialogue shifts from:
"You screwed up again!"
to
"What did I learn, and how can I do better next time?"
Also, the idea of common humanity prevents self-kindness from becoming self-pity.
Self-compassionate people understand that everyone struggles—so they don’t wallow in victimhood. On the other hand, self-pity focuses on me, assuming my pain is the worst.
Healthy self-compassion is gentle but not indulgent, accepting but not complacent. It gives us inner stability, not excuses to stay stuck.
▍Strength and Softness Can Coexist
In exploring self-compassion, I realized I’d fallen into a binary mindset—I thought you had to choose between being kind to yourself and pushing yourself to improve.
To me, self-compassion sounded like coddling. Self-discipline meant tough love.
But Kristin Neff introduces two sides of self-compassion:
Fierce self-compassion and Tender self-compassion.
Fierce is standing up for yourself—setting boundaries, demanding change, moving forward with courage. It’s like a shield, helping you stay grounded in adversity.
Tender is what holds you when you fall. It soothes, accepts, and embraces your imperfections. It’s the emotional bandage when life hurts.
Neff believes a mature, whole self-compassion includes both.
When it’s time to persist—persist.
When it’s time to let go—let go.
You can motivate yourself to reach your goals without using a whip. And when you fail, you can switch to a bandage, not a punishment.
This balance is the opposite of black-and-white thinking.
It frees you from the extremes of self-blame or total avoidance, allowing you to stay rooted in self-worth while still striving.
▍Final Thought: It’s Okay to Slow Down
Self-compassion doesn’t mean giving up on growth.
It means becoming your own best ally. It means being honest about where you fall short, and choosing to lift yourself up instead of kicking yourself when you're down.
And just like any psychological or personal growth skill, self-compassion takes practice.
You can’t undo years of thought patterns overnight. You can’t instantly abandon survival modes that once protected you.
But next time that critical voice arises, remember what self-compassion teaches:
Pause. Breathe. Choose kindness over cruelty.
To end, here’s a quote from Kristin Neff:
Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.
如果你是一個容易責備自己的人，想必對以下的場景不陌生：當別人難過時，你會安慰他、傾聽他、甚至幫助他用不同的角度面對。但當自己情緒低落、做錯事情時，腦中的聲音卻變得尖酸又刻薄。
「你怎麼又這樣？」
「你是不是太軟弱了？」
「別人都能撐過去，為什麼你不行？」
我們太容易對自己嚴格，以為想獲得成功，就必須對自己夠狠、夠嚴格。
這類自我激勵或許對某些人很管用，但你有想過這種內在對話，造成的負面效果可能更大嗎？
這周，我看了很多「自我慈悲」（Self-Compassion）的相關研究，才發現我對這個概念，一直有很深的誤解。
我一直以為，自我慈悲就是對自己放水，是一種軟弱、消極、會讓人變懶的毒雞湯。但我錯了。
越是深入，我越發現，自我慈悲並非一種逃避現況，反而是用一種更真誠面對現況。它不是要我們否認痛苦，而是鼓勵我們用一種更持久、更有韌性的方式，和痛苦共處。
▍自我慈悲是什麼？
心理學家 Kristin Neff 將自我慈悲分成三個面向：
自我仁慈（Self-Kindness）
它鼓勵我們在受傷、失敗、情緒崩潰的時候，練習對自己說話的方式，就像對待你的摯友：「我知道你現在不好受，但我會陪你。」共同人性（Common Humanity）
這點對我是很大的提醒，在痛苦中，我們超容易以為只有自己會脆弱、焦慮、失控。
但事實上，每個有血有肉的人，每天都努力的活著，每個人都有自己的掙扎，而你不孤單。正念（Mindfulness）
它不是壓抑情緒，而是幫我們看見情緒的本身。當你能夠「抽離」，客觀地察覺自己正在痛，而不是陷入痛苦，你看待自身的情況就能更加理性。
▍為何這麼難對自己溫柔？
我會開始嘗試自我慈悲，是從一次又一次的低潮開始的。
焦慮與低潮常來得快又突然，我常常還來不及理解自己怎麼了，就開始生氣、開始輕視這樣的自己。
我會覺得：「我怎麼又感覺不好了？」、「為什麼不能像其他人一樣正常一點？」
後來我才知道，不是每個人都能輕易對自己溫柔。
研究指出，完美主義、自我批判傾向、羞恥感、自我否定，這些心理特質都和低自我慈悲程度有關。
這些特質，有一部份是先天的性格特質，但更多則是來自我們過去學會的生存策略。
也許在成長過程中，我們曾經靠嚴格要求自己，才得到安全感與成就感；也許某些環境讓我們相信：只有夠好、夠強，才值得被接納、被愛。
這些內在機制，在某個階段確實保護過我們。但當我們開始想改變、想放下的時候，那些聲音就成了我們最大的阻礙。
像是上述我對自己說的話，是一種「自我批評」，而研究顯示，內在的批判反而讓我們容易掉進「失敗 → 自責 → 再次失敗」的循環。
嚴厲的自我批評常被誤認為是動力來源，但實則適得其反。
相反的，自我慈悲則能提醒我們：
→ 我的痛苦值得被理解，不需要被否定。
→ 我的狀態雖然不好，但並不代表我不夠好。
→ 我可以對自己誠實，不必殘忍苛責自己。
▍對自己好，不等於放縱
這是常見的誤解，認為開始對自己好一點，會不會就此懈怠？是不是會失去動力、不再進步，想要躺平？
恰好相反。
自我慈悲的人，不但不會失去目標感，反而更能從失敗中成長。
因為他們不怕犯錯，失敗不再等於價值的崩解。
自我慈悲所帶來的安全感有助於培養成長型心態。
他們的內在對話不再是「你怎麼又搞砸了」，而是「這次學到了什麼，下次怎麼做更好？」
此外，「共同人性」的觀念能防止自我寬容變質為自我沈溺。
自我慈悲者承認「人人都有困難」，因此不會把自己的不幸當特殊事件來沉溺；
相反的，自怨自艾是把焦點鎖在自己的傷痛，覺得全世界只有我最可憐。
健康的自我慈悲讓我們溫柔但不縱容，接納但不放任。它帶來的是內心的安定力量，而不是給懶惰開脫的藉口。
▍剛毅與溫柔
在探索自我慈悲時，我發現過去自己掉入「二元思維」的陷阱中 ——
我認為「自我慈悲」難以和「自我要求」同時並行。
自我慈悲似乎等於對自己溫柔，而自我要求則得透過嚴格的紀律，來達成目標。
不過 Kristin Neff 提出了「剛毅的自我慈悲（fierce self-compassion）」與「溫柔的自我慈悲（tender self-compassion）」的區分。
剛毅：能夠為自己發聲，勇敢地保護自己，積極追求改變。像盾牌一樣讓你在困境中站穩、前進。
溫柔：能在低潮時安慰自己、接納自己的不完美、不如預期。像 OK 繃一樣，保護傷口不再受傷。
Neff 認為，真正成熟的自我慈悲，應該同時具備這兩個面向：
該堅持時，就堅持。該饒過自己時，就饒過自己。
你可以在努力追求目標的時候自我激勵，
也能在失誤跌倒時，收起鞭子、改用紗布包紮傷口。
這樣的平衡，是一種非二元思維的展現。
它讓你不會過度沉溺在自責中，也不會為了逃避而完全放棄自我期待。
▍結語：慢一點，也沒關係
自我慈悲不是要我們不求進步，而是教會我們成為自己最友善的朋友，
既坦誠面對自己的不足，也能在跌倒時拉自己一把，而非踢自己一腳。
還有很重要的一點：就像所有心理學或個人成長技巧，自我慈悲需要長時間的練習。
我們無法一夜之間扭轉多年累積的慣性思維，
也無法立即脫去曾保護我們的生存模式。
不過，未來當自我批評出現時，別忘了自我慈悲的提醒——
練習放慢腳步，選擇以善意替代苛責。
最後，引用 Kristin Neff 的話作結：
Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others.
自我慈悲，就是把我們給別人的善意，也同樣給自己。
Reference and further readings:
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. [https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/publications/SCtheoryarticle.pdf]
Neff, K. D., Pisitsungkagarn, K., & Hsieh, Y.-P. (2008). Self-Compassion and Self-Construal in the United States, Thailand, and Taiwan. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 39(3), 267–285. [https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0022022108314544]
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. New York: William Morrow. [https://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520]
Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive. New York: Guilford Press. [https://self-compassion.org/books-by-kristin-neff/]
Neff, K. D. (2021). Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive. New York: Harper Wave. [https://self-compassion.org/books-by-kristin-neff/]
Arimitsu, K. (2014). Development and Validation of the Japanese Version of the Self-Compassion Scale. Japanese Journal of Psychology, 85(1), 50–59. [https://www.jstage.jst.go.jp/article/jjpsy/85/1/85_50/_article/-char/en]
劉益宏. (2024). 專訪／天主教仁慈醫院劉益宏院長：停止自我批判，從「正念自我慈悲」面對羞愧感開始. 台灣正念工坊. [https://www.mindfulnesscenter.tw/blog/msc_self_criticism/]
盧憶. (2021). 成功的最後一塊拼圖：淺談自我慈悲. 國立臺灣師範大學學生輔導中心. [https://counseling.sa.ntnu.edu.tw/category/article/stress/]
Neff, K. D. (n.d.). What is Self-Compassion? Self-Compassion.org. [https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/]
Neff, K. D. (n.d.). The Three Components of Self-Compassion. Self-Compassion.org. [https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/]
Neff, K. D. (n.d.). Why Self-Compassion Trumps Self-Esteem. Greater Good Magazine. [https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/try_selfcompassion]
Neff, K. D. (n.d.). Self-Compassion Scales for Researchers. Self-Compassion.org. [https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-scales-for-researchers/]
Neff, K. D. (n.d.). Recommended Reading List. Self-Compassion.org. [https://self-compassion.org/recommended-reading-list/]
Development and validation of the Japanese version of the Self-Compassion Scale
Breines JG, Chen S. Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2012 Sep;38(9):1133-43. doi: 10.1177/0146167212445599. Epub 2012 May 29. PMID: 22645164.